SORRY about how long it’s been since I last wrote one of these. Some crazy things (diarrhoea) have been happening in my life and this newsletter has just fallen on the scrapheap.
I promise. I PROMISE. I PROMISE with all my heart I am going to churn these out with alarming regularity in 2023 that your inbox will be so clogged up you’ll have to update your Norton Antivirus to block all communication from Substack.
I’m writing this at the pub because my house is a bombsight. I’m moving to Melbourne which makes me incredibly sad. I currently live in Sydney and I whinge about Sydney a lot but I love being a Sydney person. Not having a sense of community is our culture and I’m proud of it. It brings a tear to my eye having to leave it for a place where everyone basically walks around with an ‘I LOVE MELBOURNE!’ tattoo on their forehead.
I have to move because of this:
It’s true! DailyMail official! I have sold out and am now the brains behind Waleed/Hamish/Georgie/Sarah on The Project.
Isn’t that crazy? I’m one of the dumbest people in the country and now I have a job where I talk about the news with a bunch of the smartest people.
I’m not sure if you’ve watched the show in the last few weeks but I’m the nervous person on the end trying desperately to not say ‘c*nt’ when the camera turns to me.
I’m pretty sure I have this newsletter to thank for landing the job. When I went for the interview I said “you’ve probably read some of my stuff on Substack?” and the boss of Channel Ten smiled and said “will you work for no pay but a daily Subway lunch voucher?” and I said “done!”
She must be a fan of my writing to offer me a deal that good.
My dream has always been to take Kochie’s job but being Waleed’s running mate is pretty cool and I will take it! (I’ve also signed the contract so it’s too late to back out).
REFLECTION
I have completed two weeks on The Project and these are my main takeaways:
I Don’t Know How To Do Office Water Cooler Chat
I haven’t worked in office for almost a decade so my office etiquette is all over the place. I’m really struggling. I can never access my emails, I have no concept of the communal fridge, and I keep trying to fit in with the kitchen gossip about everyone’s weekend. I also don’t know anyone’s name so I’ve started compiling a list of people’s names and how they look to help me remember them.
I’m not sure if that’s illegal but it does feel slightly creepy and could be interpreted as some kind of manifesto/hit list if it falls into the wrong hands.
People Bring You Coffees When You Work In Commercial TV
This is just a real life perk that exists. I couldn’t believe it. If I ever feel like a coffee and can’t be bothered going and getting one, someone will always jump in and one will appear in front of me.
Live TV Is Scary
That is all.
Smokers Are Actually The Smartest People In The Workplace
I don’t smoke but I’ve noticed smoking is actually a free pass to take as many breaks as you want. You can’t smoke in the office and they can’t discriminate against you for being a smoker so basically it means you can take as many outside breaks as you want. It’s like being handed the Golden Ticket! That’s my advice to anyone entering the workforce: take up smoking. What you’ll lose in cigarette prices and health issues, you’ll make up for in time spent phone scrolling while the other losers are deep in the spreadsheets. Vaping doesn’t count unfortunately.
I Say “A Lot Of Moving Parts” Too Much
This is my number one saying when anyone asks me a question. It gets me out of everything. You can use it if you ever find yourself hosting a light current affairs news show.
“Sam, what do you think about The Ukraine situation?” “oh! I mean there’s a lot of moving parts in a conflict that big"
“Sam, what are the arguments for changing the date of Australia Day?” - “Oh well like any big national conversation there’s a lot of moving parts…”
“Do you know where the toilet is?” - “umm obviously there’s a lot of moving parts??”
Fun Fun Fun
To be honest I’m having the best time on the show but people keeping asking me what it’s like. The best way to describe it is this: it feels like being in charge of a busy cafe on a Saturday morning having never worked in a cafe before and every 5 minutes someone who you didn’t even know worked at the cafe gives you instructions that if you don’t do correctly will have catastrophic impacts on the business of the cafe and the DailyMail and news.com.au will write mean things about the cafe.
So it’s very chill!!
Change The Date
“Karlos, I can tell you now c**t, don’t you f***ing walk away”
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I feel sorry for you. Have you ever heard anything as beautiful? It’s the most exciting news story of the last 5 years.
Let me summarise.
Pup (Michael Clarke) cheats on his new GF (who’s sister is Karl’s wife) on December 17 (“you f**ked her on the door on December 17!”), they all find out, everything goes tits up on a weekend away in Noosa, Karl beats up Pup, everyone hits Pup, someone films, the Daily Telegraph buys the video for $10k.
I don’t really have a hot take on the whole thing, but part of me think that with all the talk about changing the date of Australia Day (a lot of moving parts IMO) we could all agree that after this we should just move it to December 17th?
It’s the perfect day for it. For years there was this notion in Australia that the Australian Test Captain was the second most powerful person in the country after the Prime Minister (which is a crazy Australian-way to look at the world). But you know what’s more Australian that that? Drunk bogans fighting and screaming in Queensland.
December 17th makes sense!
It’s truly what being Australian is all about. It doesn’t matter where you come from or how rich you are, you are ALWAYS at risk of someone calling you a dog cunt in public.
I’ll draft the petition now.
Also, obviously Michael Clark is a very naughty boy, but you have to hand it to him regarding his composure to make sure he only referred to Karl as ‘Karlos’ in the heat of battle. It’s very funny. It would be like getting beaten up by Pitbull and screaming “please stop Mr Worldwide!!” as he’s kicking you in the head.
2023
Everyone on instagram did their ‘Ins and Outs’ for 2023 and I am nothing but a mirror to society (actually more of a sheep without any original thought or content ideas) so I thought I’d quickly knock mine out for the upcoming year.
INS
Taking Photos
Not Having The Water Pressure on Super Hard When I Fill My Water Bottle Up (I need to get better at this. Every time I turn the tap on I do it so hard that water goes everywhere and I get soaked)
Buying A Ute (now I’m a TV presenter I need to get a ute so I don’t lose sight of my working class roots)
Friend Zoning
Golf
Fast Food
Free To Air TV (6:30 pm, Channel TEN)
Not Drinking 7 Beers On A Tuesday Night Because You’re Really Vibing Your TikTok Algorithm
A Tiny Bit Of Self Belief
Speaking Spanish (this is the year I finally learn Spanish to a point where I can do more than order a coffee and say sorry to my girlfriend)
OUTS
Saying “thanks for that!” To People When I Help Them
Tik Tok
War (am I right guys?)
Reading
Netflix
Soft Drink (it’s time to grow up)
Shaking Hands
Having A Massive Night Out With New Friends And Being Overly Friendly That You Wake Up In The Morning To Three New Group Chats Organising Bushwalks And Tennis Games
Pooing
Showing Any Vulnerability
Getting In An Elevator And The Door Opens And You Try And Be A Gentleman And Let The Other Person Out First By Saying “After You” But They Also Try To Be A Gentleman And Say “After You” And You End Up In A Classic ‘Gentlemen Off’ Where No One Wants To Give An Inch And You Keep Just Saying “After You…” “No, please, After You..” “Oh I couldn’t, come on, After You” “Okay Enough Of The Games…After You…” And This Goes On For Far Too Long And The Elevator Door Ends Up Closing And You Both Have to Go Back Down To The Ground Floor And Do The Whole Process Again
POP CULTURE
Now I’m going to be a Melbournian again, I thought I’d leave you with this: Courtney Barnett covering You Am I’s song Heavy Heart. It’s basically the music version of the Fitzroy House Party.
GOODBYE
Okay that’s it. I’ll keep doing these in 2023. Hopefully with more regularity! I want to say weekly but I also I have the work ethic of a 12 year-old boy. Also please watch The Project. 6:30 pm, 6 nights a week on Channel Ten. Also it’s the best show to binge watch. You can catch all 3731 episodes on TenPlay.
I’m not doing a stand up show at the comedy festivals this year, but I will be doing stand up and touring loads all around the country so keep a look out for dates! I’ll also do a big post of recommendations for shows and acts at this year’s festivals.
I hope you had a nice Christmas and have a great new year. God bless America!
See ya xx