Hello!
As I type this I’m on a plane looking out the window at snow. Australian snow. I always forget there’s snow in Australia. Isn’t it crazy? The country known for being hot and dry also has snow! It’s like finding out Peter Dutton does charity work or Greta Thunberg has shares in BHP.
I feel like we hide our snow from the rest of the world. It’s our little secret. We push the narrative of Akubras and beaches to distract from our snow capped peaks. I think we need to be more open and transparent!
They should do a Crocodile Dundee 4 and set it in Kosciuszko National Park, mid July. Paul Hogan could be draped in a scarf at a ski resort, drinking a hot chocolate and talking Crypto Currency with Melbourne Demons supporters.
It would be great for Australia! Not only would it bring a different clientele of tourists, but we could also use the money made from the film to square off Hogan’s debt with the ATO.
I’ll start working on the spec script.
ICEBERG
Lettuce is apparently $180 a kilo at the moment. People are losing their minds! Journalists are the happiest they’ve ever been! What a story!
I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you how much lettuce was before. I kinda thought it was free. It was just always there, you know? Like always around. In salads, fast food, everyone’s fridge. I had it in the same category as grass.
Grass is always around. Grass is free. Imagine if news.com.au ran a story saying grass was now $22kg? That’s what it feels like. Outrageous!
Also, saying ‘grass’ over and over is a lot of fun. You feel like a 70 year-old who is trying to talk about drugs.
“you been smoking grass, maaaan? Let’s get high and listen to the Grateful Dead!”
MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL
I’ve been doing some investigative journalism this week.
I was looking in the mirror the other day. (As a side note, I don’t recommend doing that. There’s never anything good there. I’ve never looked in the mirror and thought “oh my god, I look incredible. Glad I did that!” At best it’s always like “erghh…this will have to do…” then the entire day is ruined by your Ogar face bouncing around your brain. )
Anyway I looked weird. Weirder than I’ve ever looked. I couldn’t put my finger on it till suddenly it hit me.
My ears have gotten massive.
Honestly. They’re huge.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen my head before or been keeping data on my ear size, but they’re huge at the moment! I’m 100% sure they’ve gotten bigger. And I don’t mean they’ve grown bigger - I mean they’ve been pushed out away from my head.
So now they’re flapping. Like Dumbo, Adam Gilchrist or this photo of Will Smith.
Look at this photo of me.
They’re big, right? Look!
I couldn’t believe it! I needed proof. I started going through old photos of me and sure enough, two years ago my ears looked normal - they were an appropriate distance from my head.
I couldn’t believe it! That means something has happened in the last few years that has stretched my ears out!
And then it hit me: COVID-19 and FACE MASKS.
That actually has to be it! That’s the only variable in this timeline! I’d never worn a face mask in my life then for the last two years I’ve basically lived in one.
This is my theory (and I have no medical expertise to back this up): the elastic straps on the masks that go behind the ears have slowly been pulling my ears out. Each day. Slowly stretching them out - like some kind of medieval torture technique!
And I don’t mean those normal medical blue cloth ones. They’re fine. I’m talking about these N95 Masks that are supposed to be the best ones on the market. Have you used those? The cords feels like 5 Occy straps wrapped around your ear. They have enough force to pin a kayak to some roof racks.
They’ve been wrapped around my ears for the best part of 18 months!
Now my ears are just flopping around in the breeze, like a spinnaker sail caught downwind.
No one talks about this in the daily Covid numbers, do they? How many other people have permanently disfigured ears and can no longer look at themselves in the mirror?!
Also all the anti-mask rallies are over so I can’t even join those heroes to protest. What if that’s what they were protesting the whole time and I misread them?! I thought they didn’t believe in Covid and it turns out they just cared about the position of their ears!
This is the real cost of the pandemic. Forget about the deaths, the economic disaster and the awful Covid jokes stand up comedians were telling - this is the worst part!
This is my Watergate. My Sherlock Holmes moment. I have blown this whole Covid thing wide open!
I’ll report back with an update in the next newsletter, but let’s just say I’ve spoken to my lawyer and he thinks I have a pretty good case.*
FAMILY
I spoke to my Mum about it and she thinks I’ve always had big ears. That somehow made me feel worse and I’ve disregarded her opinion.
GOODBYE
What a way to end! Am I the best comedian alive? Probably not. But do I work the hardest and take the biggest risks? Once again, probably not. Do I have the biggest ears?! Once again I don’t think so. John Mulaney has enormous ears. He’s also a better comedian than me.
Thanks for reading!
I’ll be in Edinburgh for the Edinburgh Fringe in August and I’ll keep plugging it because I’m terrified no one will come. If you’re on that side of the world you simply must do it!
See ya! x
*he was referring to a ‘case’ as in ‘suitcase’. We are yet to discuss the ear situation.
P.S. If you’ve missed any of my other newsletters you can catch up here. Follow me on Insta and here’s my podcast x