PROLOGUE: I’ve spent the weekend doing comedy on a cruise ship. It’s hard to know whether my career is going well or going downhill but the important thing is that it’s going!
My cabin number was 8211 so if you were onboard the P&O Pacific-Encounter Comedy Cruise over the weekend, think about all the things you could have charged back to my room.
I wrote the following newsletter over the weekend but didn’t have internet to post it. Normally I pop fun little links in the newsletter but due to the lack of internet there’s only a few.
Chookas.
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HELLO!
I am at sea. On a cruise ship doing comedy. There used to be a stereotype that this is where comedians go to die but I feel like I’m thriving. My sets haven’t been great, but I’ve managed to make friends with the South African guy that gives out hand sanitiser in the buffet line. I rarely make new friends so as of right now it’s been a pretty exciting weekend for me.
The last few weeks haven’t been that fun. My football team lost the grand final and the Queen is dead.
In order of importance.
For some people the Queen dying is a bigger story than the Sydney Swans getting blown out of the water by 81 points at the big dance but it’s hard for me to relate.
The Queen didn’t come to my school and put on an Auskick clinic when I was in year three so she’ll never be number one in my life.
I liked the Queen. More than I like having a King. It seems like a big backwards step to have a King in 2022. Are we making social progress here or what? According to some graffiti I read near Brunswick Street last weekend, ‘THE FUTURE IS FEMALE’ - and now we have a super old yuck English man as King? Come on. The days of Kings are done (unless they’re a short king). It’s not the 1400s! He can’t behead anyone. We have Lizzo now! What’s his actual purpose?
The Royal family needs a rebrand. Everyone liked the Queen because she’d been around for yonks (yonks is a word that doesn’t get used enough) so there was an attachment and admiration for her living a long public life. The problem is now we can’t keep having a recurring nursing home cast playing musical chairs. We need a young vibe to compete with the Kardashians!
They should give the hot-seat to that little kid Nick Krygios was swearing in front of at Wimbledon. What’s his name? Prince George? He’s nine. How cool would that be? A nine-year-old king. It would be actual real life King Joffrey vibes. He could carry a sword and give Knighthoods to his favourite TikTokers.
Also it would be fun to watch a king go through puberty and start dating. Imagine the paparazzi outside a shopping centre trying to get a snap of him wooing his crush with a dinner at Nandos followed by a choc-top and a movie at Hoyts.
My point is (if I have point), is that the Sydney Swans will come back stronger next year and it doesn't matter that I spent enough for a return flight to Paris going to Melbourne for the weekend to watch them lose, life is about blindly following something you don’t understand. Whether it be religion, football, or a rich English family that gets paid £160 million a year from the UK government for wearing funny costumes.
ANXIETY
My girlfriend puppy-sat a dog the other week. Her name is Delilah (the dog, not my girlfriend!!! - sorry, the cruise ship humour is getting to me) and she hates men. If a man comes near her she barks and growls and wants to bite their head off. I’m sure she’s got some trauma in her past from a mean man, but I hope she doesn't learn about the #MeToo movement because that could really put her off men for life.
A lot of dogs have anxiety now. They’re all on medication and having to take pills everyday. I’ve had dogs with anxiety and it’s so heartbreaking. They’re on edge and scared, but it’s also a little bit funny that dogs’ lives are so good, anxiety is one of their biggest issues now.
Before they used to hunt in packs and be natural killers. All they thought about was food and not getting eaten by another dog or predator. Now they have so much time alone with their thoughts, just thinking. You come home from work and they’re questioning the meaning of life and having a full-blown existential crisis.
Humans didn’t even have anxiety 300 hundred years ago! Well if they did, no one spoke up about it. There was no ‘R U OKAY’ day. No mental health awareness week. Imagine stealing some bread 250 years ago and getting popped on the First Fleet to Australia and being like “ohhh no, I can’t go out onto the main deck today. My anxiety is REALLY playing up.”
I doubt the captains on board were like “oh no problem, take all the time you need. We have a shared login on for the Headspace app plus access to ship counsellors.”
No you just had to cross your fingers and hope you didn’t get scurvy.
The better your life becomes, the more anxious you seem to get. I didn’t have any anxiety as a little kid. I was just flailing around being an idiot. Now, I'm anxious 24/7! The minute someone sends me an email I’m like “oh great, now I have to reply to that” and I become a ball of nervous energy. I’ll just be walking around being like “okay I have to reply to Michael. I hate Michael! Why did he email me! He’s ruined my life!!”
Btw this cruise ship has a wellness centre, a yoga and mediation course, an F45, AND no phone reception! I’m off the grid! Anxiety doesn’t exist out here.
It also has 37 frozen cocktail machines that seem to be drunk exclusively by people with tattoos of Chinese symbols. I’m not sure what the link is between speaking Mandarin and drinking a Frozen Bailey’s Mudslide but life at sea is COMPLEX and you dry land folk wouldn’t understand.
CASA AMOR
I’m watching the new season of Game Of Thrones on the boat. It’s such trash and I love it all. I loved the original series and I love this Anakin-Skywalker-style prequel as well. My favourite thing about GOT is how much they love their families. I think that gets lost in all the sex and murder but they love their families more than almost anyone I’ve come across.
The way they talk about their families is life or death: “The House of Lannister MUST LIVE ON!!”
I can’t ever imagine being into the Taunton family name enough to say that. If I found out the Taunton line was ending I’d be like “hmm, well we had a good run.”
Imagine your mum and dad sitting you down and earnestly saying:
“Sam, all the matters is the Taunton name. Get out there and sow your seed. Claim what is rightfully yours”
Sometimes on Game Of Thrones they love their families so much they have sex with each other. That’s a bit on the nose I reckon. Call me a crazy woke PC warrior, but I think incest is wrong and I don’t support it!!!
ANZACS
This ship heads to New Zealand next. It’s crazy that New Zealand’s population is less than the city of Melbourne. I always think about that. They have such a big cultural output for such a small population.
Everyone knows about New Zealand. All around the world. Yet I find it fun that besides Australians and Kiwis, the rest of the world can’t tell our accents apart. Isn’t that nuts? They hear the same thing!
How?! We sound so different. They say “fish and chups” and we say, “no illegal immigrants! Stop the boats!’”
It’s bizarre.
Sometimes I feel like we’re just dancing around the obvious: cut the crap. Let's join the two countries together.
That way we get the best stuff from both countries. We can have Jacinda Ardern and being friendly, and they can have Peter Dutton. Perfect.
My friend is working in NZ at the moment and within two weeks he’s already gotten private seats to a Bledisloe game, met the All Blacks, Taika, Flight of The Conchords plus all the famous comedians and TV celebrities.
I joked with him that he’ll be having dinner with Lorde within 7 days. He replied with “oh everyone knows Lorde over here!”
What the hell. The population is 5 million, not 500! New Zealand is the place where dreams come true! You know that classic question: ‘if you could have 3 people as dinner guests, who would they be?’
In New Zealand it’s not a hypothetical. It’s just a restaurant reservation and 2-3 admin hours away from becoming a reality.
POP CULTURE
I have some stuff to recommend to you:
Aaron Chen - If Weren't Filmed, Nobody Would Believe (Full Special)
Chenny filmed his stand up at the Comedy Store over a bunch of nights and its great. Henry Stone directed it and Chenny’s outfits are terrific. Aaron is already the biggest comedian in the country so he doesn’t need help from me to spread the word but if you’ve been living under a rock go and watch it and discover your new favourite comedian/cutie pie.
Finding Yeezus - Who made Kanye Quest 3030?
My friends Cam James and Alexi used to do these podcasts where they’d investigate pop-culture mysteries and now they’ve taken it to the big screen (well the internet). They’re tracking down a weird video game/cult and it’s sooooo good. Watch the first (6 parts) episode here.
SPICKS AND SPECKS
I’m on Spicks and Specs this week! Sunday night on the Australian Broadcasting Corporation! I can’t remember if I was funny or not but I was very nervous and secretly sipping a beer under the table. Please watch and recommend to your grandparents.
GOODBYE
Hey, see you. Goodbye. The boat heads home tomorrow so if you’re reading this I made it to dry land, and if not, hopefully the divers at the shipwreck will recover this from my laptop and pop it in the maritime museum for hundreds of years as an example of how people wasted their time at sea.
Stay strong.
Also, I’m filming some stand up in Newcastle next month. November 17. My fan base in the Hunter sits behind Newcastle Knights players, local radio DJs, used car salesmen, and popular high school girls. Filming there could have been a slight misstep! I love the comedy club and felt an urge to do it so if you know anyone in Newy, send them my way! Tix are here.
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P.S if you’ve missed any of my other newsletters and want to catch up, you can here. Follow me on Insta, here’s my podcast, OR you could subscribe to my fledgling Youtube channel.