My data was hacked!
I REPEAT MY DATA WAS HACKED!!
I don’t really know what that means but everyone is up in arms. Optus keep sending me text messages being like “it looks like you’ve forgotten to pay your bill” I’m like “umm I think you’ve misspelt sorry? - you’ve forgotten where you left my data!”
The taking doesn’t bother me, it’s the not asking that really bugs me. If someone had just asked nicely for my data I’m sure I would have given it to them.
Growing up my mother always said manners are the way to get things in life. She had a sign in her office that said “it’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.”
My dad had a sign in his workshop that said “I lend tools? Pig’s ass!”
Two very conflicting signs for parents that were supposed to be united in raising me. They ended up getting divorced. I’m not sure if it was related to the signs but I don’t think they helped. Maybe if when my parents were on the rocks, dad had changed the sign to “I lend tools? Potentially! If you need them we can talk about it and communicate our needs as opposed to making hasty sweeping statements!” that might have shown some compromise and I wouldn’t have to spend Christmas attending two seperate lunches.
So far it seems no one has wanted my data. It was hacked but not taken. Which makes me feel worse somehow. They had access to every piece of information about me, the sum of all my parts, saw it and went “hmm not for us”.
Imagine if you told someone everything about you, your deepest secrets, your life story, and they dismissed you and decided not to contact you again.
I guess that’s what dating is like. You go for a little interview over an overpriced cocktail, lay out your life CV, then decide whether you want to proceed. It seems like a crazy way to meet people.
If love happens organically, sure. Let it happen, but half the time I think arranged marriages are the way to go. Meet the day of the wedding, get to know each other on the honeymoon, then finally feel comfortable when you’ve got three kids and working a 9-5.
I don’t work a 9-5. Sometimes I wish I did. Being a stand up comedian is tricky like that. Your hours are all over the place. I always see comedians do jokes like “I wanted to become a comedian so I only have to work an hour a day!”
I think that’s lie. I don’t know any comedians that only work an hour a day. What comedy-work-life balance are they on?! An hour a day is crazy! Do they just wake up on stage with a microphone in their hand and once they’re done magically end up back at home reclining in front of the TV? What do they do for the other 23 hours of the day? Also I doubt they’re even doing full hour sets! Which means according to their logic they have 23.5 hours of the day free.
How would you fill 23.5 hours a day?
Impossible! You would have no purpose, especially when you’re your own boss. You have to answer to yourself, which means you’d know all the ways to get out of work. You could trick the boss into letting you leave early, sleep in, or watch porn on the work computer.
Sometimes I wish I had a boss. I have an agent* and she’s lovely, but I almost need her by my side at all times making sure I’m doing work as opposed to watching Youtube videos of people falling off treadmills.
I read a book the other day called ‘My Year Of Rest & Relaxation’. It’s about a lady in New York who tries to sleep for an entire year. That’s what I imagine people think comedians do. Just sleep the entire day, stub their toe getting out of bed and start talking about it on stage.
There’s writing involved!!
I wrote a new joke recently. It’s my hackiest joke ever. Hack in comedy according to Wikipedia means: a premise for a joke that is considered obvious and has been frequently used by comedians in the past.
I should give the joke to Optus considering they’re the kings of getting hacked!!
Okay, that wasn’t the joke. Just a bad word association riff.
This is the joke:
My girlfriend and I struggle to agree on what to watch on TV. The other day we were trying to pick something and I suggested the movie ‘Mission Impossible’.
She said no. Then she suggested a Netflix documentary on the female orgasm and wouldn’t take no for an answer.
We watched the documentary on the female orgasm, and let me tell you, VERY SIMILAR PLOT LINE TO MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!!
I spent the whole time watching it thinking “well this is unrealistic for a normal guy. How would anyone ever do this? And if they did, it would take a lot of planning, and probably 3-4 extra guys to help out!”
Okay that’s the joke. Did you laugh?
Hack jokes are fun. They’re not pushing the boundaries but secretly they’re a bit of good-old-fashioned guilt-free fun. They weren’t always hack, that’s the thing everyone forgets about them. At some point they were new and innovative, then over time everyone started doing them and they became stale and predictable.
My favourite hack joke in stand up, and comedians still use this joke format all the time, goes like this:
“My partner and I broke up recently. It was very sad. We wanted different things in the relationship. I wanted to have kids, and she wanted to fuck Jack!”
Boom. What a pull back and reveal!
There’s a million versions of that joke floating around but whoever first did it is actually a comedic genius.
I wish I was doing stand up when all the jokes were like this. You watch early stand-up from the 50s and 60s and it’s just a person in a suit making wise-cracking gags that are all fake. Now you can’t even wear a suit. People look at you funny.
Now stand up comedy is about opening yourself up and revealing how you feel deep down inside. Like deep observations about your emotions and the world at large. Gross.
Okay sorry. This has become a comedy workshop! I guess this is what happens when you have 23.5 hours of the day to yourself.
Anyway, this is a quick newsletter I thought I’d fire out post-weekend. I’m off to Perth today (one of the worst sentences you could ever say out loud). I have a gig. 10 hours flying return for 20 mins of comedy.
Maybe I should just get a 9-5.
Also if you want my data just DM me and I’ll send you everything I have.
See ya!
*Contact her for all employment opportunities.
P.S if you’ve missed any of my other newsletters and want to catch up, you can here. Come to my FILMING IN NEWCASTLE ON NOV 17TH. Follow me on Insta, here’s my podcast, OR you could subscribe to my fledgling Youtube channel.
The ‘wise-cracking gag guy’ reminds me of Jimmy Carr’s comedy style a bit. Also 9-5 is not fun, grass is not greener on this side of the fence haha