News Bulletin Number #10
Hello!
My lockdown has ended. The long sleep is over.
I’m allowed to go to the pub, get a haircut, leave my suburb, do stand up comedy!
All things I’ll absolutely dread in two weeks.Okay, let’s get into it!
THE PUB RETURNS
Now I’m out of lockdown I’ve decided I miss the lockdown. It’s like that scene in Shawshank Redemption when they get out of prison and realise they miss the big house because it’s the only life they ever knew and understood.That’s me with freedom.
I got to the pub and had a beer and was left with a feeling of existential dread, emptiness, and all I could think was “there has to be more..”
It was over so quick! That can’t be the thing we were holding onto to get us out of the dark depression of 2021??
I had a beer, it tasted good. I ate a parma, it was also good. Then I walked outside, looked to the heavens and asked god what it all meant?
What do you get the man that has everything?
ANYWAY.
No one was prepared for freedom. The weekend took its toll and everyone in Sydney looked very haggard when I walked to the shops on Monday morning.Not only was everyone’s liver not prepared, every second person was hobbling around, barely able to walk after clearly their first gym session in 5 months.
It wasn’t mentioned in the roadmap that our bodies couldn’t handle it!
The government should have warned us. Instead of giving people $750 they should have sent the entire nation a tub of Deep Heat and a Berocca with a little note saying ‘Pace yourselves x’
It’s important to try and find the positives in every situation. And my positive is: at least I don’t have to go to another picnic.
Dear lord I am done with picnics.
The picnic craze will be remembered as a dark time for all of us.
Every weekend sipping a warm seltzer on a picnic rug that’s too small, whilst constantly having to make sure the hummus hasn’t leaked out onto the grass.Never again.
WHAT’S MY AGE AGAIN
This new guy running NSW has got a real let-it-rip vibe which I kind of like. He’s the kind of nut job this nation needed!
Everyone else in the country would have been too scared to open up and have deaths on their record, but this psycho holy-church guy doesn’t care. He’s just like “open the international borders!” with no real authority to do it.It’s awesome to see!
People love to say ‘you shouldn’t care what people think of you’ but very rarely do you see it at such a high-level with huge real-world risks.You should be able to hire him for things you don’t want to do in your life. If you’re scared to make a tough decision or break up with your partner etc, you can pay Dominic to come in and pull the trigger.
A nerdier version of George Clooney in Up In The Air.
My friend Mat messaged me the other day out of nowhere to say I look like the new Premier.
It might be one of the meanest things anyone’s ever said to me. Not only because he’s got a real Slytherin/Little Pebble vibe, but also because the longer you stare at him, the less sure of his age you actually are.
He could be 35 or he could be 65!
I don’t look 35 or 65!
NO HAT NO PLAY
The politicians are currently applying the ‘No Hat, No Play’ rule to the COVID reopening.It’s pretty funny to use a policy we had as 6-year olds in primary school on the entire nation.
Kids used to get furious when they’d forget their hat and were forced to sit in the classroom at lunchtime when everyone else got to play kiss-chasey (obviously not me. No one wanted to kiss me but the other kids were nice andused to let me keep score for them).
I have a friend called Dominic (same as the Premier! Different fellas though) and he doesn’t want to get vaccinated. He’s furious about the No Hat, No Play rule. Obviously he’s not angry enough to get vaccinated, but he’s still pretty peed off.
I told him he should just buy a hat.
He said “they’re not telling us all the information about the hats” and “the hat is more dangerous than the sun” to which I replied “they’re just like all the other hats we’ve worn in the past! You used to love wearing hats!!”He then said the analogy doesn’t really work and I should stop using it.
Even if you have the perfect analogy some people just won’t take the vaccine.Novak Djokovic is refusing to even reveal his vaccination status so the ATP tennis tour (who are also using the No Hat, No Play rule) have said he’s not allowed to play tennis at the moment.
Not wanting to reveal your vaccination status really says one thing: that you’re not vaccinated.
It’s like when you’re a teenager and your friends are like “Are you a virgin Sam?!”
If you reply with “I would prefer to not reveal my virginity status” – they’re 100% going to be like, “OKAY this guy is definitely a virgin”
Then they’d start calling you a ‘virgin loser’ or a ‘no-pussy party popper’ and start chanting ‘Sam Sam The Sexless Man!!’ over and over again until the deputy principal calls your parents to come and pick you up from school.***obviously this is a made up scenario and in no way happened to me in year 11.
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS
Daylight savings kicked in a few weeks ago which always exciting! The most productive thing you can do is live your life on daylight savings time!
You feel like the most efficient version of yourself for the first few days until you forget it exists.I was reading an article yesterday and a New Zealand man named ‘George Hudson’ invented it. He just came up with the idea one day.
That’s it. That’s how it was invented.
That’s so funny to me.
One guy in New Zealand can make a decision to change the cycle half the world lives on based on a single suggestion. I can’t even suggest a different brand of olive oil to my girlfriend and this guy successfully got everyone in the world to change the time.
Imagine that! Just being at a town meeting and taking the stage with “Hey guys, reckon we should put the clock back an hour?”
And everyone was like “hmmm that’s actually pretty good George…”
And that was it. It’s still going!
I thought it would have involved all the countries, the United Nations would sit in and approve it, they’d bring back the League Of Nations to hold an emergency war cabinet to discuss it etc.
Instead it’s just some bloke from New Zealand.
It seems like an idea someone would throw out at the pub or 3am kick-ons when everyone is off their face. Just some munted dude being like;
“Dude, why don’t we just start the day an hour earlier in summer?? That way we can pretend 5pm is actually 4pm???”
Everyone slowly processes the information, being like “duuuuude, actually that’s not bad hey….like that could actually work…you should be running the country bro…”
Then he’s like “Well I’ve got some opinions on immigration I think we should do as well!”
Everyone is like “Hmmm…okay George, I think we’ll just go with the first idea thanks!”There used to be a big fuss made over daylight savings. It would be in the papers, they’d talk about it on the news and be like “don’t forget to turn your clocks back tomorrow!”
NOW my phone automatically changes the time for me. It doesn’t even ask! It just goes ahead and does it without even the slightest of heads up.It’s sneaky. My phone has me on a ‘need to know’ basis. I don’t like it! It’s completely taken control of my life and put me on the schedule it thinks is right for me.
I wish it would do it with UberEats.
Like if it’s automatically doing the boring stuff like time zone changes, why can’t it take control for some fun stuff as well?! Like bring me a treat!
Imagine if I was sitting at home and there’s a knock at the door, I answer and there’s a man with bag of food and I’m like “oh I don’t think that’s for me dude” then Siri just starts speaking to me being like “enjoy the Oportos, Sam”
If my phone did that once a week it could change the time whenever it liked!
BEGGING
Before I start wrapping this up, if you’re reading this, please, please can you do me a favour and go subscribe to my Youtube channel? Sorry to beg but if I don’t get more views I’m going to turn into a 13-year old doing daily vlogs and no one wants to see that.
Also I’m doing some work-in-progress shows in Sydney next month! I’ll have a few guests. They’ll be fun!POP CULTURE
LOVE ISLAND AUSTRALIA
I’ve spoken about Love Island UK in these newsletters before and it’s great. The Australian version is on telly now and it’s not as good as the Brits, but it’s still pretty awesome. They’re not even on an Island! That’s how much they care about the format! Instead they’re in the Byron Bay hinterland surrounded by (I assume based on the demographics of the region) white people with dreadlocks.Basically the show is the adult/televised version of the lunchtime kiss-chasey game I wasn’t allowed to play at school.
GOODBYE
Okay thank you for reading. Another sterling effort from me on thenewsletter front. ‘How does he do it?’ I hear you ask?!
Oh wait, I misheard.
‘Why does he do it?’
That question, I cannot answer.
See ya soon! xx
P.S if you’ve missed any of my other newsletters and want to catch up, you can here. Follow me on Insta, here’s my podcast, and subscribe to my Youtube channel x