News Bulletin Number #11 Feat. Sam Campbell
HELLO
What’s up readers!When I was growing up it was so lame to be a reader. Kids at my school would hide the fact they enjoyed reading. They’d hide books in their locker and tell people they were off to play sport when secretly they were ripping into Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
Even now as an adult who enjoys reading and has been employed as a writer, there’s still a part of me deep inside programmed to think reading is lame and you should all be ashamed of yourselves
Nerds!
(Sorry, this is the trauma I carry lol).Let’s do it!
LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE
The French President is angry with Australia at the moment. It’s so funny to be a global leader and be sooking about lying. Yes, Scott Morrison told a fib about buying your submarines, but come one – we’re not talking about a secondhand Toyota Camry, this is $90 billion dollars worth of submarines!If I agree to meet a friend for a drink and they give me their word they’ll be there, I’m still like 50/50 on the fence whether they’ll turn up. And that’s a drink at the pub.
$90 billion is so much money. Until the $90 billion is in your bank account you would never think someone is actually going to go through with it. You’d be like “oh shit dude, really? You had that much? I never thought you’d actually do it! You must only shop at Harris Farm Jesus Christ man you’re rich!”
$90 billion doesn’t even seem real.
Like nothing in this world is worth that much, let alone submarines. You can buy a really nice new car for about $50k. A submarine is just a super nice car that also happens to go underwater.
The French President seems way cooler than Scott Morrison which is probably the worst part. You hate to disappoint a cool dude.
Like the episode of Happy Days when the Fonz gets sad and can’t hit the jukebox. Just thinking about it puts me on the verge of tears.*When they were pictured together it really becomes apparent. Morrison is huge! (I’m not sure how tall but maybe like 6’5?) He’s so out of place. He’s a big dumb, chubby, heaving man that looks like he should be watering lawns out in the suburbs, not talking about buying war submarines!
The French guy on the hand, he has style. He looks like he’s in a cycling squad every morning, balls deep in Crypto, and would take you to a cool inner-city wine bar and tell you fun facts about wine regions you won’t remember.
*Apparently I’m 75 years old.AUSTRALIA UNDER ATTACK
It seems everyone overseas is negging Australia at the moment. Crazy Candice Owens has been calling for America to attack, invade and free Australia.It’s pretty nuts but also pretty funny. Like mainly funny. The problem with being a comedian is that you always see the funny in something first, and the seriousness or moral problems second.
I’ve seen a lot of people on social media doing serious/sassy/smart comeback posts being like;
“Umm free us? Really? Umm what from America?! Our universal healthcare, a welfare system that supports all, laws that allows to us to live without gun violence??? Doesn’t sound like we need freeing, does it?? Umm thanks but no thanks America…”
A real burn! Take that America!
Australians love to flaunt our superiority to Americans, completely ignoring how we take their lead on everything culturally and economically.
Personally I support the invasion!
Australians wouldn’t fight back so they’d be no loss of life or casualties, and we’d just end up with more American brands and more American BBQ at pubs.
It don’t think much would change at all!
We’d just be like “Oh sure, you guys can take over – just don’t take Netflix away. Plus don’t introduce your food…oh what’s that? It’s already here? Hmm okay…gee well it sounds like you guys are already running the country…I guess this is easier than we thought. Good luck! I’m sure you can’t do worse than anyone already here..”
I also think it would be kind of funny to watch Scott Morrison do a press conference telling us that America are invading and taking over.
It would be like a divorced Dad telling his kids he’s moving out.
“look guys, things are going to change a little…America is going to be taking over from now on, but I don’t want you to think that I love you any less. And I’ll still be around…I just won’t be living in the same postcode or country…you can come visit every other weekend. I’ll get a two-bedroom apartment in Hawaii* and you can come visit whenever you like!!”
*A hack joke that makes me cringe but I know some of you will like.
THE REST OF THE WORLD
It does make you wonder how the rest of the world is viewing Australia.I do so little work for this newsletter that I thought it was time I did some actual investigative journalism!
I’ve called in a favour from one of the only people I know overseas and decided to interview my friend Sam Campbell (pictured above with me) who lives in London.
We hadn’t spoken in 4 months so it was exciting. Read below:
Taunton: Hello Sam, where are you living?
Campbell: In London. I am staying in a place called South Griblett, it’s a grimy little muck-hole, about 6 hours from the main city on the tube. There are a lot of vape shops and not much else. I don’t know where to buy milk so I have been forced to buy a milk flavoured vape.
T: Wow. That sounds like a dystopian hell. How does the rest of the world view Australia at the moment?
C: When I used to travel, doofuses would always talk about Vegemite or ask if the animals are always trying to kill people and I would roll my eyes. Now they’ve all been red-pilled and they bail you up and demand to know if it’s true free speech has been abolished and people are being forced to wear ankle bracelets. They still talk about Neighbours a bit as well.
T: Are we cool or not cool?
C: Is this questionnaire real or just a trick to find out what people think of you?
You helped me move my stuff into storage before I left the country and I said I would do some artwork for your podcast to help return the favour, I have still not done it. Do you still want me to do it? I think that and a handful of my other small betrayals and personality defects would be the only small chinks in the armour of a strong friendship.T: We got someone else to do the podcast artwork so don’t stress. Who do you think would win a war between America and Australia?
C: America right? I hate all war! It is just horrible. Why can’t people be civil?
T: Do you think people overseas know who the Bondi Vet is?
C: I am trying to get the word out! I tell everyone who will listen about his many accomplishments and I am going to build a statue of him outside Buckingham Palace. The guy is a hero. He saved my gecko’s life.
T: Thanks Sam
C: Not a problem, nice to chat.
Wow. I feel like Oprah sitting down with Harry and Meghan. What an interview!
CHINESE RACIST GUY
I’ve been telling people I’m going to learn Spanish for the best part of two years. It’s getting ridiculous. I’ve downloaded, deleted, then re-downloaded the Duolingo app 9 times in the last 18 months.I have a fried who is a white guy (which has fallen out of fashion) and he’s trying to learn Chinese.
That seems crazy to me.
Not only because so many asian languages are super complex to learn if your base language is English, but also because as white person, if you’re trying to learn Chinese, (and I know this sounds crazy) until you get to a certain level, umm…you just kinda sound racist.
Does that make sense??
Like obviously it’s not racist, but if you heard a white guy in Australia, bumbling through a few Chinese words, mispronouncing things, you’d be like “hmmm alright mate it’s not 1995, Chinese accents aren’t cool!”
It seems unfair, but I think it’s true! We’ve seen over the last 12 months a heap of anti-asian sentiment in western countries, don’t make it worse!
You’d want to be so on top of your pronunciations before you go out and test it in public.
Just imagine if you were on the bus, Duolingo app out, headphones in, practicing pronouncing words in Mandarin. You notice someone holds a phone near you, and bang! Before you know it someone’s filmed it, it’s viral on Youtube, news.com.au runs the story, and you have to go on A Current Affair and apologise.
Also, and this is even MORE crazy, the word for ‘umm’ in Mandarin – as in the in-between word used in English, is pronounced the same as the n-word.
YES. That’s true!
That’s a huge red flag for anyone looking for a new language to learn.
Why would you possibly risk it?! You could get caught being racist twice! Offending two marginalised groups in one sentence!
What white person is going to back themselves to talk their way out of that?
Imagine being in a Chinese language class and the teacher is like “okay this is the word for ‘umm’ – yep, that’s right Sam. Come on say it for me. Yes it is pronounced the same as the n-word…what? No I don’t think that’s a little awkward! Come on! Say it for me into this camera…”
No way you’d do it! You’d run out of there or start screaming for Ashton Kutcher to appear because obviously they’ve just rebooted Punkd and you’re the target for the first episode.
Anyway, that’s just something I’ve been thinking about. It’s potentially the dumbest thought I’ve had in a while.
POP CULTURE
My friends Aaron and Henry made this show for Adult Swim last year called ‘A Life In Question’ and it’s so funny. It’s nominated for an ACCTA award at the moment so if you haven’t seen it, go watch it now! On Youtube for free!GOODBYE
Thank you for reading. I didn’t mean those things at the start about readers being nerds. Something just came over me. I apologise and thank you for taking time from your busy schedule (of being a loser who reads) to indulge my creative outlet.As always if you like these newsletters please tell a friend.
See ya!
x
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