News Bulletin Number #13 *CHRISTMAS EDITION!*
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
It truly is the most magical time of year!
There’s a special Christmas spirit going around this year (Omicron) and you can really feel it (shortness of breath) every time you go to the shops or meet up with someone for a drink!To celebrate the festive season I thought I’d fire out a quick Christmas newsletter. It’s the least I can do. It’s probably not the new noise-cancelling headphones you wanted, but surely you’re used to faking excitement at presents so please keep that in mind when reading.
ANYONE COULD BE NEXT
There’s a real Walking Dead vibe in Australia at the moment. My mum sent a group message to everyone attending Christmas lunch to show proof of a negative test result in order to gain entry. What’s next?! Hiring a bouncer to work the door at Nan’s house checking proof of vaccination?!
The anti vaxxers are right! This is like Nazi-Germany!! Just with prawns, ham and a pavlova for dessert.I normally float around on Christmas day. I’m a product of a divorce and a large white-trash South Coast NSW family which means there’s never the same people invited on Christmas Day.
Last year there was an old man from the bowling club that my Aunty had taken a shine to. He spoke very little but drank (what I estimated) 13 beers in a 4 hour period. He sat in the corner in silence. Peeling prawns in one hand, a stubby of VB in the other. It was impressive to witness.
At one point I asked him if he was having a nice time. He looked around and said “bit much Woo-Hah this whole Christmas thing…”Can relate brother. Can relate.
My favourite Christmas memory is one year my Mum and Uncle got in a drunken fight when trying to blow up a shitty Kmart mattress for my cousin to sleep on. I don’t remember how the fight started but the imagery of Mum, drunk as skunk, holding a glass of red wine yelling “Oh go fuck yourself Matthew you two-faced fuckwit!!” will stay with me as long as Christmas exists.
THE PERFECT PRESENT
I quite like giving people presents. It’s the one time in life people genuinely like you and are appreciative of you.
Normally I ask someone a question and they snarl and look at me with disgust for taking seconds out of their precious life. However, when you give someone a present it’s pure joy! You can see in their eyes they’re happy you exist!* It lasts for 4-5 minutes! It’s the best feeling!
Can you tell my parents divorced when I was young??*I was in the Apple store the other day looking for a present for my sister. The Apple store scares me.
I miss the days of having a checkout counter. Now there’s just a uni student in a blue shirt holding an iPhone.That’s customer service now.
These uppity ‘Geniuses’ that work at the Apple store are always so awful (apologies if you’re reading this and that’s you). They’re so patronising. They call themselves geniuses! What for?! You work in retail!
Steven Hawkings is a genius. Albert Einstein is a genius. You just did a two-week Apple product information course and know how to do a system reboot!
I was there a few years ago and I wanted to buy a new MacBook Pro laptop. I was explaining to the Genius (a guy that worked there) that I wanted a USB port so I could plug USBs in. He was like “Hmm we’re not doing USBs anymore…Apple are moving away from them” and I was like “Ohh okay okay, but do you have any old ones with USB ports in them? I just really would love to plug a USB in…”
He sighed heavily then looked at me with the most shiteating-patronising grin and said:
“Look, do you want to be on the right side of history or not…”
OH MY GOD YUCK.
I want to vomit in my mouth just thinking about it! Do you want to be on the right side of history?! – we’re talking about me connecting my hard drive to my laptop, not me joining the Nazi Party in 1939!
You can’t equate those two things!
Anyway, fast forward a few years to last week, I’m in there and I see the new MacBook Pro for sale and guess what?!
The USB is back?! People were so pro-USB ports that Apple decided to bring them back!Take that you stupid blue-shirt Genius toff loser! I was on the right side of history!! I’m right and you’re wrong!
I’m the actual freedom fighter and you’re the stupid Nazi Socialist German Workers Party member who is trying to implement your flawed USB ideology onto the masses!Look, I’m not saying everyone that works at Apple are Nazis…actually yes. Yes I am. That’s what I’m saying. They are Nazis.
CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN
A few days ago Bob Katter uploaded a video of him singing ‘Silent Night’ in full on Tik Tok. It’s so weird. He has a terrible voice! He stares down the camera. It’s scary! That’s not what Christmas is about, Bob.People love Christmas carols, but you need to look like you’re having fun when you’re singing them, otherwise they’re just sad.
That’s why people love Michael Buble. Buble is the king of Christmas and always has a cheeky grin when busting out these tunes in a Westfield or wherever he performs in this country.If Michael Jordan does his best work in the playoffs, then Buble hits top gear between December 1st – December 25th. He’s always floating around.
Everyone thinks Buble has a new Christmas album every year, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. He doesn’t! It’s just the one album – called ‘Christmas’ (very creative name). Service stations (the only place people buy CDs now) just restock it. It’s passive income. There should be a Buble Crypto coin! Imagine the spike when December rolls around!
Anyway, it’s super impressive that it keeps selling every year. I read once that it’s sold 20 million copies worldwide. Take that Harry Connick Junior! (the only other big-band singer I know of).
KRAMPUS, AUSTRIA
Okay this is my one last Christmas thing then I will leave you to go and panic buy ahead of Saturday.I was reading about this the other day: In Austria, kids who are naughty, get told by their parents that if they end up on Santa’s naughty list then they have to answer to ‘Krampus’: a horned, hairy beast that snatches misbehaving children in his wicker basket. He kinda acts as Saint Nicholas’ creepy enforcer.
What the hell!! How psycho is that?! We just tell kids they’ll get a lump of coal in their stockings if they’re naughty, Austrian kids have to worry about a scary monster coming and taking them away!
We lie about Santa not being real, but it’s all a bit cute and a bit of fun. Threatening them with a child-eating monster seems like a step too far. They’ll gonna need therapy later in life.
Apparently they celebrate this monster guy (Krampus) on December 5th. They send the Dads out dressed as the half-goat demon to parade through the streets with sticks, terrorising all the little kids.
It’s insane stuff. Maybe it’s good? Like it balances out the emotions? I guess it would give the little ones a good scare before they get to play with their new Playstation and maybe it’s important to remind them how spoilt and entitled they are?
I would be a terrible parent.
GOODBYE AND MERRY CHRISTMAS
Thanks for reading this stupid newsletter throughout the year. I started when I was bored out of my brain in lockdown so I appreciate you reading them and replying to tell me I’m wrong about an issue or have misspelt a very basic word.
I’ll keep doing them next year so please keep a look out for them! Have a great Christmas and New Years and I’ll see you in 2022 (what will no doubt be the greatest year of all our lives).Also, please watch my segment from The Project the other night here.
P.S if you’ve missed any of my other newsletters and want to catch up, you can here. Follow me on Insta, here’s my podcast, and subscribe to my Youtube channel x