News Bulletin Number #16 *I have Covid-19*
Hello!
Welcome to Substack! What do you think? It’s fancy. MailChimp (my old newsletter platform *spit*) seems archaic and dated in comparison. Being on Substack makes me feel like I could get a book deal at any moment!
Also thanks for all the messages about the last newsletter. You’re all sickos and it’s cool you actually read these things.
PART OF HISTORY
I tested positive for COVID-19 on the weekend (yes that’s right - the world famous and deadly COVID-19). I’ve been walking around my house in a blur so this newsletter will potentially make no sense at all.
It’s late in the game to contract Covid-19 (the world’s most famous and deadly disease) and almost boring. Over Christmas everyone in Australia seemed to have it, now I’m just a hanger-on coming late to the party searching for any beers that might be left in the fridge.
Getting Covid-19 (the world’s most famous and deadly disease) this late reminds me of when Pokemon cards were MASSIVE in my primary school/kindergarten. They were the coolest thing you could have, people would trade for them, battle them - it’s all anyone cared about!
I never had any, and it used to annoy me so much. Finally one day I managed to steal $4 from my Mum’s wallet, and bought 3 Pokemon cards off an older kid in the playground before school.
I was so happy and excited. I got to the morning assembly with a huge grin on my face. The assembly started and the principle said “Good morning, first order of business, Pokemon Cards are now banned!!”
What the hell?! They got banned minutes after I finally got some!
That’s been a metaphor for everything I’ve done in life. If I’m doing it, it means it’s on the other-side of being cool and you should jump ship immediately.
Next weekend I’m going to the Gold Coast to go planking with some Schoolies kids.
FAME IS WASTED ON THE FAMOUS
I did a dumb podcast for news.com.au last week trying to shift some tickets for my dumb new stand up tour, and one of the questions was ‘have you ever done a joke about someone in front of them?’
I quickly launched into a silly little Grant Denyer yarn about being on stage at The World Famous Sydney Comedy Store - Denyer was in the crowd, so I did a little joke about him smoking meth. This is a true story. I did the joke, it got a laugh, then after the show I saw him at the bar and we spoke for 5 seconds and had a bit of a laugh.
That was it! A fun, stupid, pretty boring 15 second story.
Then the next day I get sent this:
I was like, “oh no. I might be in trouble here”.
You know that feeling you’d get when you were a kid and about to get yelled at by your parents but you weren’t sure what you’d done so you’d just stand there feeling guilty?
That’s what it felt like!
The whole thing is SO funny. I’m involved in a public spat with Grant Denyer! The tiny former weatherman from Sunrise!
I love Denyer as well. Growing up I used to watch him on TV all the time - now we’re enemies! We join the list of famous historical clashes: Churchill vs Hitler, Kanye vs Taylor Swift (and I guess everyone right now), Letterman vs Leno, Taunton vs Denyer..
As a quick side note, I used to think it would be the best job in showbiz to be the Sunrise weather guy. You’d get to go to a different small Australian town each week, they’d treat you like a king and basically give you the keys to the city just for popping in!
Now the thought of going to a different small Australian town each day makes me quiver in fear. So many hand shakes - people in the country love to shake hands! More so than in the city. I think it’s a matter of pride. Especially men. You’re supposed to shake their hands, look them in the eye and not talk about your feelings.
ANYWAY, everything is fine, the 24 hour gossip cycle has moved on. But these are my takeaways from my foray into celebrity trash gossip:
‘Confronts’
There was no confrontation. I wish there was a confrontation. That would have been an actual career highlight. Imagine getting told to fuck off by a Family Feud host?! That would be SO exciting.
“Sam, name something that hurts my feelings?”
“getting told to fuck off by Grant Denyer?”
“that’s on the board!”
I’ve been misrepresented! I feel like one of those Hollywood celebs that tells TMZ to “fuck off’ then smashes a paparazzi’s camera and does a speech about privacy and humanity.
Also Denyer’s wife Chezzi and I have been DMing and we’ve smoothed the whole thing over. We’re friends now!
They used the weirdest possible photo of me.
I have so many headshots on my Insta and they took the one photo of me when I decided to grow a moustache in lockdown and spend the night eating dexys.
They called me an ‘upcoming comedian’.
This is fiiiiiiiine. But also a bit of a lol. I have won awards! Been on loads of TV and radio. I guess that’s an insight into how I’ll be remembered if I die in a tragic plane crash tomorrow. I always thought the headline would be;
‘Comedian and writer dies tragically in plane crash’
but now I know it’s going to be;
‘up and coming comedian is up and coming no more. He’s gone DOWN in plane crash’.
I agree from a journalistic perspective it’s a better clickbait, but come on! I need to lift my game! I need to see if I can host The Bachelor or something.
WATER RATS
NCIS is launching a spinoff series in Sydney. Of all the things Australia’s screen industry needs, I would say an NCIS spinoff set in Sydney is the most important thing possible.
I haven’t watched this truly dogshit show since about 2004 and the main thing I remember is the character Dinozzo. He was a womanising detective who they bought out for the Logies one year to present an award - I don’t think anyone really knew who he was? He was played by Michael Weatherly - a career TV guy. He also got metooed a few years ago.
I wanted to cast the show with Australian actors. This is what I’ve come up with:
Gibbs: Alan Fletcher
Fletch is best known as playing the titular Neighbours character, Dr Karl Kennedy. Channel Ten just cancelled Neighbours, and as much as I love Alan, this could be his last role of the dice for serious acting work. A left field choice but he needs this.
The Pompous British Doctor: Shane Jacobson
I think it's the law that Shane Jacobson has to be in every Australian production. I’ve been banging on for years about how this guy is no good and doesn’t have a funny bone in his body but no one seems to listen! He stinks!
He’ll be in the show AND he’ll be on the IGA ad when it goes to commercial break. His casting is more of a business decision as opposed to a creative one.
Dinozzo: Firass Dirani
Unlike Shane Jacobson, I think Firass is cool and talented! This could be a huge break for him and somehow make him even more attractive than he already is. If he can steal the show in Underbelly and Mr Inbetween, he can handle catching criminals from a tinnie under The Harbour Bridge.
Abby (nerdy scientist): Asher Keddie
This woman is a queen and will bring in hoards of women who LOVED Offspring (they also love to tell you how much they loved it) as viewers. She also has a good relationship with Channel Ten which is important in the casting process.
Other notables:
The show will also feature Kat Stewart, Anthony Lapaglia, Richard Roxburgh, Rebecca Gibney, Lisa MuCune, Grant Denyer (hopefully), and every first year NIDA student in an opening murder scene.
GOODBYE
Thanks for reading! Sorry if it was a bit hard to follow. Covid-19 (the world’s most famous and deadly disease) really knocks you around. I picked it up at a destination wedding in Noosa on the weekend and it really makes you weigh up the cost of going to those things.
Flights: $450
Accommodation: $350
Present: $200
Getting Covid-19 at the reception then being forced to spend the next 7 days inside and accidentally being mean to Grant Denyer?: priceless.
Well maybe not priceless. The whole thing has cost me lots of stress and about $1200.
Anyway, farewell and talk soon xxx
P.S I made a Cameo and set my price to $1599 which makes me the most expensive Australian on the platform. Kyle Sandilands and Vulcan are the next best at $1400 (although tbh Vulcan is absolutely having a laugh if you ask me). If you know anyone that will pay that bargain price for a video from me, point them in that direction!
P.P.S if you’ve missed any of my other newsletters and want to catch up, you can here. Follow me on Insta, here’s my podcast, and subscribe to my Youtube channel.
Also if you’re in Melbourne and want to see my show at comedy festival you can get a 25% discount for Wed, Thu & Sun shows - click this link and use the promocode: NEWSLETTER
BYE x