News Bulletin Number #17
Hello!
Sorry for the delayed newsletter! I meant to write this on Friday but life got in the way. Thank god it did because I went to bed Friday night and woke up in the morning and SHANE WARNE HAD DIED.
I repeat. SHANE WARNE HAS DIED.
I mean, of course you know that. Australian TV went into meltdown and had 24hour rolling coverage and tributes.
On Sunday, the 4 biggest articles (in order) on the ABC website were:
Shane Warne, Dead At 52
Warne’s Greatest Deliveries
Warnie’s biggest Off-field Scandals
Russia Bombs Nuclear Reactor in Ukraine.
That’s real star power. The world could explode but Australians wouldn’t have noticed because we were watching highlights of when Channel 9 gave Warnie 3 episodes of a talk show.
In all seriousness though, I can’t believe Shane is gone. I’m heart broken. He was obviously larger than life: a celebrity to a lot of people for just being famous, but if you were lucky enough to also be a cricket fan, he was the most magical figure.
Leg spin bowling is pretty naff, occasionally being pushed out as a freak sideshow by a part time bowler. Shane somehow turned it into the coolest, most lethal and exhilarating scene in sports.
He had pure talent. He wasn’t a hard worker lol. In anyway. His career wasn’t that classic story of the kid who got up earlier than everyone in the morning, worked hard and saw the rewards. No way. Shane just had it. He partied, he smoked, he had affairs, he was overweight, got caught match fixing, had fights with teammates (Steve Waugh), but the man was an open book and you hate to throw this word around, but a legitimate genius.
Growing up I was obsessed with him. I would copy his bowling action and bowl these awful half-tracking leggies that would get absolutely belted from the astro turf wicket to the boundary.
I saw a lot of people saying “I thought he’d be around forever…” and “I can’t believe this is the way he went out…”
That’s normal stuff to say when someone passes away - especially when we’re all grieving, but surely no one thought Shane Warne would live a long healthy life deep into old age?
He died of a heart attack at 52 in Thailand. It’s actually the most Shane Warne thing to do!
The only thing I find surprising about it is that it was Thailand and not Bali.
It almost adds perfectly to the crazy story that was his life. No one that lived the way Warnie did was going to turn 100, get a letter from the queen, then drift off peacefully in their sleep.
I got to meet him once.
It’s still maybe the greatest day of my life.
I was working on a comedy cricket show at Fox Sports called ‘The Night Watchman’. I was a writer and every time we’d have a guest on, I'd get to sit down with them and run through the show. My main job was to answer any questions they had and see if they wanted to use any jokes we’d written for them.
When Shane came in, I’ve never been more excited in my life. He arrived, his hair golden and shiny (in many ways he kinda was like Trump). His PR people had only given us one rule: ‘Don’t talk about Liz Hurley’
(An incredible side chapter to Warnie’s life is that he dated Liz Hurley and somehow it’s not even in the top 10 most interesting things about him…)
Liz and Shane had broken up not long before, he was heartbroken and felt like she was the one that had gotten away.
Shane, came in, sat down, we all introduced ourselves and the first thing he says is; “fuck me, I was at Crown till 5am last night. Feeling very dusty…”
We then started running through the show with him and I showed him some jokes and told him he could use whichever ones he liked. He read through them, shook his head and said “don’t worry about it mate, it will be fine. These aren’t my style…”
He then made himself a coffee and said “have you seen that movie ‘The Truman Show’?” and I was like “Oh yeah, Jim Carrey. Of course!”
Then he said “My life is pretty similar to The Truman Show. Everyone knows what I’m doing and everyone knows everything I’ve done in the past…”
Geez. Heavy is the crown for the King Of Spin.
Anyway, so we’re getting ready to do the taping. The show was a panel comedy show, filmed in front of a live audience. Ben Lomas, a great comedian and warm up guy was revving the crowd up.
We’re standing there with Warnie and he just goes “alright then, I’ll get up and help him out.”
We’re like “oh Shane, you really don’t have to do that. It’s not your job…”
Shane just walks up and goes on stage. Lomas is so confused. Shane says, “Okay who wants to hear a story?” The crowd goes nuts and he does about 15 minutes of warm up, getting more laughs than I’ve ever had in a stand up comedy set.
After the show taping, he went and sat in the front seat of his Jeep out the front of Fox Studios in South Melbourne. He left the driver’s door open, chain smoking ciggies and reading the paper for the next 30 minutes. The audience all left, walking past saying “see ya next time Shane!”
I hold it very dear that I got to meet him. Look how happy I am in this photo.
WE WILL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES
S.K.Warne’s death, whilst tragic, has been a welcome distraction from WW3. This Putin guy needs to chill out!! Maybe do some meditating or start a gratitude diary Vlad.
I was at a cafe last week the day Russia invaded. I was sitting next to two girls gossiping about relationships and friends etc. All of a sudden they stopped, one of them checked their phone and in the most LA Valley voice squeaks;
“Oh! What the actual hell Russia! You have to be joking! Russia has invaded!!”
That feels like the 2022 version of gathering around the radio to hear Churchill say “Britain is at war..”
(or was that Neville Chamberlain? I’m sure someone will let me know.)
Maybe instead of international sanctions, they could try getting a 21 year-old inner city girl who has recently gone through a breakup, to get in a room with Putin and see if she can take him down a few pegs.
“Vlad, are you seriously doing this? It’s sooooo extra. I mean Ukraine isn’t even any of your business?! You’re being such a nosy little bitch. Also no one actually likes you. Like at all. Seriously. Who invited you? No one. You just turned up like a bad smell. You’re such a freak. Balding as well. Pathetic. A pathetic man. The future is female Putin, you pig.”
Hmm. It’s worth a shot!
The Ukrainian president is a stand up comedian. Did you know that? He’s become a worldwide hero! He seems to be doing a great job, but as a stand up comedian myself I can’t think of anyone worse to be at the helm. All the comedians I know have substance abuse issues and struggle to hold down any type of relationship.
Imagine if Dave Hughes was the Prime Minister of Australia? Sure Scott Morrison sucks but Hughesy would be way worse.
He used to have a segment on Rove Live called ‘Hughesy Loses It!’ - what if he went to war and he lost the passcodes to our nuclear weapons?!
It’s scary stuff!
I was reading this article that apparently Russian soldiers are on Tinder trying to match with women in the Ukraine.
Isn’t that nuts? Eyes on the job, boys.
You’d have to be the least patriotic person alive to go on a date with a soldier invading your own country.
Like that is surely treason, right? A war crime maybe? A crime of the heart at the very least.
A lot of my straight female friends have a rule that they won’t date a guy if he’s posing with a fish in his profile picture. I can’t imagine how’d they react if he was posing with a gun and occupying the sovereign nation that they live in. Sounds like a deal breaker to me!
Okay that’s the end! Thanks for reading. Apologies you don’t know who Shane Warne is. You must have found it all very confusing.
I’ll end this newsletter the same way Rove ended the final episode of Rove Live in 2009.
Put your hands together for Powderfinger.
P.S if you’ve missed any of my other newsletters and want to catch up, you can here. Follow me on Insta, here’s my podcast, and subscribe to my Youtube channel.
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xx