News Bulletin Number #2
HELLO!
Newsletter number two!
Once again if you’re reading this it’s because you’ve signed up (needy) or bought a ticket to one of my shows (a hero) in the past. Feel free to unsubscribe if you find me annoying (impossible) or just don’t need me in your life (hurtful).
Okay let’s get into the headlines!
THE WEEK THAT WAS
I’ve had a crazy week. I just discovered this goddam mice plague that’s sweeping the east coast of Australia! This might be the end of days! Our country is weak and distracted arguing about getting a vaccine and the mice have sensed an opportunity and are going to pounce and takeover.
Maybe this is why they’re always running on those wheels? We all thought they were idiots but instead they’ve been secretly training and planning an uprising.
Somehow I didn’t hear about the mice plague. I think it’s because the algorithm on my phone only shows me celebrity gossip and ads for meditation apps (I think my phone thinks I’m depressed. Which I’m not, I just started watching Riverdale on Netflix and it’s so bad the phone obviously assumes I want to kill myself).
It’s crazy to be living in a world with two plagues (COVID is a plague, right?). I’ve lived my entire life plague free, now I’m caught in the middle of two.
Even though the mice plague is not as dangerous as COVID, it’s definitely way grosser. And I realise that’s probably offensive to countries that have been ruined by COVID but, come on. Have you ever seen a group of mice? I mean yuuuuck!
There’s BILLONS of mice running rampant around NSW right now. BILLIONS. Think about that!
There’s not BILLIONS of *whatever a unit of COVID is* running around! Covid moves thru the air like WIFI – and I love WIFI. It helps me watch Riverdale!
If Covid looked like the mice plague, they’d be no anti-vaccine rallies. People would do whatever they could to get rid of it. They’d take the vaccine straight away. No questions asked! They’d be lines around the block.
It’s almost like because you can’t see Covid it’s more secretive and sexy than the mice plague. People warm to it more. It’s like “hmmm what’s that pandemics’ deal…oh it never shows its face?! Oh my god wow! So secretive and mysterious hey…oh yeah yum yum..”
(Also unrelated but I’ve been writing COVID erotic fan fiction under the alias ‘pandemicdaddy69’ so look out for it online)
ANYWAY. I think we should cut a deal with the mice. Bargain with them. Give them what they’re clearly after – THE TOWN OF BEGA.
Then they’d have all the cheese they want!
YES I WROTE ALL OF THAT FOR A MICE LIKING CHEESE JOKE.
SUCKED IN.
MANUAL LABOUR
I had to move a television the other day. It was fine and nothing eventful happened, but it got me thinking about how massive TVs used to be.
Kids today don’t understand how heavy and big televisions were.
When I was a kid moving a TV was a big deal. They were sooooo large and bulky, they’d take up an entire corner of a living room, were like a metre long, and they’d just break at the drop of a hat.
Seriously. They’d always breakdown.
Sometimes you’d be watching one and it would overheat and you’d hear engine noises coming from it. It would start smoking, make hissing noises – basically exactly what happens when your car radiator fries itself.
And the fix? Just bang the top of it as hard as you could. It sounds like a story from medieval times!
Also, how could they be so big then, and so small now! That might be the biggest technological advancement of the last 40 years. Forget the Internet and Apple Pay – Televisions used to weigh the same as car, now they get hung above a bathtub on a fibro wall so you can watch Netflix (Riverdale) in the shower.
That’s HUGE.
And they were SO heavy. Like impossibly heavy. Now you pick up a TV from JB HI-FI and you’re carrying a 72 inch on your little finger back to the carpark.
20 years ago if you wanted to move a TV you had to call over the neighbours, set aside your whole Saturday afternoon and phone all the available men in your family and ask them to help.
It was a big job.
I remember once as a kid our TV died and I came home to see my dad, two uncles and an older cousin, carrying the TV above their heads; a corner on each shoulder. It looked like a funeral. They were crying, wearing black, and walking into the backyard like they were carrying our grandfathers’ coffin from the church to his final resting place.
It was more emotional than when my Nan died.
TVs also had less channels when I was growing up. Isn’t that crazy? Bigger and heavier TVs, yet less channels?! It doesn’t make sense.
There was no 7MATE, 9GO, and TEN PEACH. It was just the big 5.
These are my rankings of Australia’s big 5 free to air channels when I was growing up:
1. TEN – I think it was the best option to a 12 year old. It had the Simpsons, a revolving door of shitty US dramas, and hosted the great man ROVE when he felt like the coolest man on the planet.
2. ABC – high up on the rankings due to the nostalgic hangover of watching Play School when I was growing up. Also, being a white middle class person in Australia means I feel a connection to the ABC that I can’t explain. Pathetic and gross. (Also as a side note if you refer to the ABC as ‘Aunty’ yuuuuuuuuuuuuuck).
3. NINE (WIN) – I used to enjoy their sports coverage and the weird CSI episodes that from an early age programmed me to think the most common way to die was being poisoned and thrown in a skip bin behind a Miami strip club.
4. SBS – Friday nights as a teenager were obviously a big deal for me growing up. (Jerking off).
5. SEVEN – Besides Saturday Disney and having a crush on Shelley Craft, Seven have always lacked appeal when compared to the other free to air networks. In fact, if they didn’t broadcast AFL I’d have no idea they even existed.
If you’d like to send me your rankings I’d love to read them but please know my ruling is final and correct and you won’t be able to sway my opinion.
POP CULTURE
Mount Everest: Into the Death Zone
Besides Riverdale (which I refuse to recommend) I watched this Canadian documentary the other day about a woman that climbs Mount Everest. She has no climbing experience, works in an office, has never exercised in her life, and everyone tells her she can’t do it and she’ll probably die if she tries.
The documentary explores her life, the haters and builds her up as this triumphant ‘don’t-let anyone-tell-you-that-you-can’t-do-something-yas-queen’ character and you start feeling very inspired.
Then it gets to the end, and she just dies.
Like straight away. It’s crazy. As soon as she gets on the mountain, she can’t handle the cold, doesn’t have the fitness and dies. It’s tragic. And everyone is just like “told you so, we knew this would happen..”It’s my kind of doco! It’s legit just a bunch of people getting to say “hmmm, told you so…”
I’d love to make a snarky documentary about my friend Gearard* who always says he’s going to come to the cafe with me then never turns up. It’d just be me interviewing friends about times he’s dogged us.
I also really enjoyed it because I’ve been telling people I was going to climb Everest in 2020 but then COVID happened and now I’ve missed my chance.
REVIEW: 8/10
SONG RECOMMENDATION
Maggie Rogers: NPR Tiny Desk Concert
This is not really a song but a live acoustic set. It’s from a few years ago but just pop it on and chill out okay? Take a load off!
Well there you go! Newsletter number #2 down. Probably not as good as the first one, but I have a feeling I’m going to come back super strong for number #3. Unsubscribe at your own risk!
P.S – I’m doing some shows in Brisbane in July. 2 nights at the Powerhouse Theatre for Brisbane Comedy Festival. If you live in QLD please come!
See you in two weeks for another news instalment xx
*It’s also Gearard’s birthday today so happy birthday Gerry!