Sam Taunton News Bulletin Number #8
Hello!
Welcome to another enthralling edition of the most-read newsletter in the world! I haven’t checked the numbers, I would estimate total readership to be around 5-6 million per newsletter.
I asked Guy Sebastian to post about my readership views and he said yes then backtracked saying it was important for people to make their own choices about what number is best for them.Disappointing.
IS THIS THE END?
I’m wondering if I’ll ever go overseas again. Maybe this is it. My final resting place; the 5km radius within my local government area.I’ve always imagined I’d die somewhere exotic on the other side of the world. At this rate it looks like I’ll perish on the gruelling 180m walk to the cafe for a long black and little croissant treat.
I don’t know why, but I’ve always had this vision of dying on a beautiful beachside paradise, maybe somewhere off the coast of southern Italy, fully content with my place in the world.
Most people want to die peacefully in their sleep, but I want a movie/scripted death scene for my final moments. Ideally with some uplifting background music playing on a UE boom if possible.
There’s worse places than Sydney to see out my final days, but I want more!
I like that scene at the end of Blood Diamond when Danny Archer (Leo DiCaprio) dies. I want something as powerful and romantic as that.
Leo sits on the side of the mountain looking out over the beautiful African countryside and feels the dirt in his hands before dying with only Africa on his mind.
For me I guess instead of brown African soil slipping through my fingers, it will have to be a pamphlet for a high-rise apartment complex in a gentrified former-working class suburb. I’ll whisper ‘Sydney’ as I stare off into the distance at the new Crown Casino tower at Barangaroo.
Touching.
Everyone seems to be on the same page the moment with COVID. We’re all in it together which is cool.
I was walking down the street the other day and I saw a crazy-looking guy in the gutter eating a full tub of ice cream, using a cigarette lighter as a spoon and even he was wearing a face mask.
Surely the government must see that and pat themselves on the back.
Their messaging is really cutting through if even the crazy ice cream-eating-cigarette-lighter guy is making sure he pulls up his facemark in-between mouthfuls.
CLEAN UP AUSTRALIA DAY
At least once a week I have an insurmountable fit of rage wash over me as I try and fit everything into my red garbage bin.I still remember the day they introduced the red bin. Never forget. Australia’s 9/11.
I was a young boy – my whole life ahead of me. Little did I know I was about to embark on a life of constantly wondering if there was any room in the neighbour’s bin so I could secretly squeeze my overflow in without them knowing.
And I get it by the way.
We need to recycle, I see the ads for Craig Reucassel show all the time. It’s important. I use a keep cup*, I offset my flights, I’m one of the good guys!
Having the recycling bin be double the size of the normal red garbage bin is like when the Miss Universe contestants get onstage and say their greatest wish is for ‘world peace’.
It’s like – yeah, obviously – we all want that! But we’re not living in that world just yet baby!
*BTW keep cups have really gone out of fashion over the last 18 months. People used to look at you like a monster if you forgot your keep cup at a cafe, now they don’t care at all!
I remember once I forgot my keep cup, ordered a coffee and the barista said to me, “you can be better dude, change is needed!”
What?!
Dude, you’re selling me the coffee! Stop selling the coffee in the non-recyclable cup if you don’t like the result?
That would be like Toyota berating everyone for polluting the air with the exhaust fumes from the cars they sold to us.“Hmm you really should walk, it’s not a great look you driving that car that I built and sold you..”
Hmmm.
Maybe I need a coffee.
IT WAS ALL A DREAM
I’m writing a script at the moment and I’m really bad at script writing.Like so bad.
When I was in high school I was taught by my year 8 English teacher that the worst way you could end any story was by saying;
“And then I woke up and it was all a dream..”
I think what she was saying is that “then I woke up…” is a hack and overused/easy way to end a story, but I think it’s cool!
It’s a better ending than the one they had for Game Of Thrones! Everyone hated that ending.Instead of the crazy hot dragon lady torching an entire city, imagine if Jon Snow had just woken up back in Winterfell with a sore head being like “woaaah man, that shit was crazy dude. I think I fucked my sister?! Holy shit that was a crazy dream. I gotta go tell Dad before they turn him into meme…”
I think everyone would have been impressed! People would have just admired the joke.
“goddam it HBO! Well played! You got us! 9 years of our lives we were obsessed with that show and it was all a dream? Down the drain! Haha! Not even mad! Hell of a prank. Better than that episode you shot in the dark! My hat off to you. Great stuff!!”
Anyway, this is a script I’m working on:
INT:
TRENDY CAFE. WELL ENDOWED (DON’T SHOW ANYTHING, BUT HE GIVES OFF THE VIBE) UNDER-APPRECIATED COMEDIAN SAM TAUNTON IS ORDERING A COFFEE.Barista
What can I get for you bro?Sam
Just a coffee thanks mate. Sorry, I’m all sweaty, just ran to make the bus! Mondays, am I right?!Barista
Duuuuude I am vibing that hard. Did a load of ketamine on the weekend and chilled haaaard. I am not ready for the working week in any way ha ha ha.Sam
Wow! That seems illegal and unprofessional! You do you though man! I’m not going to tell you how to live your life! I’ll just wait over here.Barista
Woah, bro. Where is your keep cup?! This is not on. You can be better dude, change is needed..Sam
Oh mate, I forgot it. Sorry. I was in a hurry this morning. Normally I always use it. I also recycle – have you seen that Craig Reucassel show???”Barista
Whatever man, I am disappointed in you. You suck and are a real piece of shit and I hope you die in a really awful way and not in the way I’m sure you’ve planned with uplifting music off the southern coast of Italy.Also I am an anti-vaxxer.
INT:
Sam in bed. He wakes abruptly up in a sweat, sitting straight up. It was all a dream. He smiles, looks over at his keep cup with knowledge he will never forget it. He hates that awful barista.F**KIN’ PROBLEMS by ASAP ROCKY plays
End.
Anyway, so that’s an ad I’m pitching to the Australian government to combat our low recycling rates and obsession with disposable coffee cups.
I will play myself, and the role of the barista will be played by the greatest actor alive, Adam Sandler.
POP CULTURE
I finished Love Island UK so I have very little to recommend this week. Maybe go for a walk? Read a book?Actually you should watch Money Heist on Netflix. It’s a terrible Spanish show about these robbers that break into the Royal Mint of Spain in an attempt to steal the money. It’s really, really corny but has somehow become the biggest international show of all time.
I watched 3 seasons of it dubbed in English and was so confused as to why their mouths were moving in a weird way.That’s how dumb I am: it’s a Spanish show, set in Madrid and all the characters had thick American accents and sometimes their mouths wouldn’t move when they spoke.
It still took me over a month and 30 episodes to cotton to the fact something wasn’t right.
Anyway, watch it with subtitles and it will pass the time. Also in Spanish speaking countries it’s called La Casa De Papel which is a load of fun to say.
GOODBYE
Okay that’s it.
Please recycle and please don’t go too hard on Guy Sebastian. He won the first season of Australian Idol for goodness sake. He’s like the Don Bradman of Australian pop music.
Have some respect.P.S if you’ve missed any of my other newsletters and want to catch up, you can here. Follow me on Insta, here’s my podcast, and subscribe to my Youtube channel x