News Bulletin Number #9
Hello!
Sorry for the delay with the newsletter. I’ve been moving house and unfortunately the only writing I’ve had a chance to do involves filling in the click and collect section on the Kmart website.
CASA AMOR
I’ve enjoyed moving house this time around.
Don’t get me wrong, moving house is the equivalent of spending an eternity in hell. In fact you could argue an eternity in hell is better than moving house, because once you’re in hell for eternity you’d never have to move again!
You could chill out, enjoy the hot weather, do some barbecuing etc. You’d never have to stress again about boxes, leases, or two strange moving men that will argue on your doorstep in a language you don’t understand!
The worst thing thing that could happen would be getting to Hell and the Devil being like:
“Hi guys welcome to Hell! Excited to have you here! A lot of people think this place is fire and chains, but it’s actually way worse! What we actually do here is pack up two-bedroom apartments and move everything to another two bedroom apartment. We just keep going for the rest of eternity…okay let’s get started! First stop is Kennards self-storage units…”
I think the reason I’ve liked moving this time is because I’ve gotten to meet a bunch of new real estate agents in the process.
Real estate agents are the strangest people in the world.
They’ve created an industry that (let’s be honest) doesn’t need to exist, and decided they’ll dress in the fanciest clothes they own, even though they’re the least professional section of the community.
Somehow they’ve managed to sneak between two groups of people and rip them both off.
It’s outrageous!
It doesn’t make sense: people own houses, then there’s the people that want to buy and rent houses, so why are we bringing in a third party in a cheap Politix suit to take a cut from both sides?
They stink!
In the town I grew up in there was a super successful real estate agent called Richard Payne. He used to go by ‘Dick’ for short because he said it was good for business and everyone would remember his name.
I was 10 years-old and never understood what the fuss was about but it always struck me as weird that the adults would all laugh as a group when they said his name.
I forgot all about Richard, then last Tuesday I was walking down the street and out of no where I just thought of Richard and bang! It hit me! The name Richard Payne was a play on ‘Dick Pain’.
I was flabbergasted.
It was under my nose the whole time! I wonder how many other jokes I’ve missed that are just sitting in my dumb brain waiting for me to put two-and-two together?
I’m so excited for the future because who knows when a punchline is just going to hit me out of the blue and I’ll get a laugh!
I used to want to die surrounded by loved ones, thinking of the happy times in my life, but now I want my final thought to be a punchline.
“Oh my god, so THAT’s why the chicken crossed the road!!”
Then I close my eyes and drift off for the long sleep…
ANYWAY my point is ever since this Richard revelation I’ve softened towards real estate agents and their shitty ways. I was holding too much anger towards them.
They still suck, but I can’t stay angry at an entire industry when there’s a bloke involved whose whole business model revolves around marketing his name to be a sore penis.
DANNY DEVITO AND ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
A weird thing happened to me the other day.
I was standing at the traffic lights waiting to cross and I saw a car with a pair of identical twins in the driver’s seat and passenger’s seat. Both up front.
You don’t see that everyday.
I couldn’t look away. I found myself staring at them and I have no idea why, but my first thought was:
“I think one of them should sit in the back…”
Lol.
I know that’s rude and probably offensive to twins, but these two looked sooooooooo alike that honestly for a split second I couldn’t tell who was driving the car.
Honestly I couldn’t.
They just looked too similar! My brain was jumbled. I couldn’t think straight.
I was like a dog that had been tricked with a fake ball throw and was doing that weird head tilt thing dogs do when they’re confused.
I was like “Am I in Europe? What side of the car is the steering wheel on? Is that a self driving car? Maybe she has a mirror next to her and it’s actually a reflection??”
It made me think about every time I’ve ever met identical twins. People are like “oh they’re identical twins, but you’ll can tell the difference…”
It’s like come on, you’re just saying that ‘there’s a hot one and an ugly one.’
People can be so cruel!
Anyway, it’s not really that interesting and apologies if you’re a twin reading this. I’m being mean and insensitive but the whole incident shook me up and I think introducing mandatory social distancing for identical twins would be a great way to avoid this happening again.
A NEW COUNTRY
It’s a weird time to be an Australian.
That crazy WA premier keeps threatening that he’ll never open his state up. It’s like lol mate, it’s not like you’ve got a secret ace in your deck of cards.
It’s WA!
Opening up Western Australia is very similar to not opening up Western Australia – I doubt anyone on the east coast will even notice.
It’s so weird to think I could go to London for Christmas but wouldn’t be allowed to go to Perth!
Most people are proud of their country but I feel the same way about my country as I do my family: I appreciate that we’re in it together, but I’m constantly on edge waiting for them to embarrass me at any moment.
I’m convinced they’ll never open the borders again. Like it’s all a trick to lock us on this island and create a new reality TV show for the rest of the world to watch.
I don’t believe COVID conspiracies (that much), but imagine if it was made in a lab so they could shut down Australia and create a global-Truman Show style TV show for the rest of the world to watch?
That’s a conspiracy theory I could get behind!
It would be great viewing. They’d watch us squabble about pointless things. Laugh at us for enjoying Vegemite and not being able to travel regionally.
Each episode they could make us do impossible challenges like try and decide on a new date for Australia Day, build a train line to Melbourne airport, or have a competitive national soccer competition!
It would be scintillating viewing!
And I realise there’d be pushback at first (I reckon fire twirling guy would be back on the streets in no time), but Australians have proved we’ll pretty much just follow any rule given to us.
Woohoo! We could all become reality TV stars!
Anyway, I’m pretty sure WA are secretly trying to secede from the rest of Australia. They’ve already been talking about it for years.
This could be the push they need. I will support it! They could have their own country with their own currency and their own little rules. They already have a different timezone, they have Perthonalities – if it wasn’t for the mining boom the rest of the country probably would have booted them years ago anyway.
Perth people are really lovely. It’s just few bad eggs ruin their whole image.
These are my top five people I wouldn’t miss if Western Australia became its own country:
Basil Zempilas
This guy has annoyed me for years. He’s like the West Australian version of Eddie McGuire.
He’s an AFL commentator and has somehow become the biggest media personality in all of WA. He does Triple M breakfast, hosts the footy, oh and one more thing HE IS THE MAYOR OF PERTH. What the fuck?! No one that commentates football should be in charge of a city with two million people.
I guess to be fair to Basil, people only really care about digging holes and football in Western Australia so I guess he’s a pretty good fit.
Tim Minchin
Everyone loves Tim Minchin because he sings funny songs, doesn’t wear shoes and wrote Matilda. In my friendship circles, however, he is public enemy number one. Once after a comedy show, my friend Tom Cashman was having a house party and Minchin turned up (uninvited), stole 5 beers and left.
I will never forgive him.
Daniel Riccardo
This guy is actually not too bad. Driving an F1 car is pretty cool. Especially if you like going super fast in a car but not actually getting to a destination.
I guess my distain towards Daniel comes more from a place of jealously: he’s a hottie, a millionaire and travels the world driving cars.
What’s not to hate?
Luc Longley
WHY WEREN’T YOU IN THE FINAL DANCE LUC?! DOES MICHAEL JORDAN HATE YOU?? FESS UP BIG MAN.
Gina Rineheart
A classic Aussie underdog with a heart of gold. I once got a photo with Gina. I thought it would lead to a long and happy friendship but it wasn’t to be. Also apparently her kids are suing her for some reason which must make for a fun Christmas at the Rinehart family manor!
Anyway, cut those five loose, make Nic Naitanui the president and you’ve got yourself a pretty good little country.
POP CULTURE
I watched Squid Game on Netflix this week. It’s pretty nuts. I went to South Korea once for 24 hours so I feel like I can relate to the classist undertones of South Korean screen and cinema more than the average Australian.
I’m like “yeah dude, living underground is quite common in Seoul. I read that in a magazine on the drive from the airport to my fancy hotel…I simply love to travel and experience different cultures!”
Anyway give it watch if you like people talking in masks.
Also Norm MacDonald died a few weeks ago. That guy was one of the true kings of comedy. If you haven’t already, watch one of his specials, his talk show or just his late-night clips on YouTube.
GOODBYE
Anyhoo, thank you for reading! I’m settling into the new house so I’ll have a newsletter for you next week I swear!
I’ll leave you with my roadmap for reopening:
60% vaccinated: Listen to my podcast
70% vaccinated: Follow me on some platform of social media
80% vaccinated: Come to a live show when comedy returns
90% vaccinated: I will perform in Perth
P.S if you’ve missed any of my other newsletters and want to catch up, you can here. Follow me on Insta, here’s my podcast, and subscribe to my Youtube channel x