Hello!
I was in Brisbane last week. I stayed with my sister and as soon as I got there I teased her for not having COVID yet. The day I left she tested positive. I’m not sure what that means but now I’m going to tease my friends for being poor and hopefully they’ll win lotto.
One day I was at a train station in the Brisbane CBD (Roma Street), and there was this guy sitting on the platform, talking super loudly to himself. Everyone (including me) was ignoring him the way we all do in public when there’s a crazy person making weird noises.
This guy was yelling super loudly on the platform and no one was looking at him. He was sitting down with his legs crossed, head in hands, just repeating over and over again:
“PUSSY AND ASS!! PUSSY AND ASS!! PUSSY AND ASS!!”
It was like ‘pussy and ass’ was his mantra. Just repeating it over and over again.
I watched him for about 30 seconds and all I could think was:
“Isn’t it crazy that me and that guy are probably thinking the exact same thing??”
He’s just the only person honest enough to broadcast it to the world!
Because that’s what we’re all thinking. Truly. All the time. Most of us. Just constantly bouncing around thinking, “Ass, work, family, boobs, pussy, dicks, ass, work, nipples, food, ass, pussy, work, food, dick, traffic, ass, family, nipples, anxiety attack, sleep.”
All those thoughts are just knocking around in our brains like the old school DVD Video screensaver that just bounces back off the walls into the screen.
ANYHOW. I was in Brisbane for the Brisbane Comedy Festival. I’m doing my last Australian comedy festival for the year this week in Sydney. You should come! Tickets are here.
PRIME MINISTER ELECT
The election is upon us! How exciting!
This one has seemed boring. Not that any of them are that exciting in Australia. In America they talk smack about people’s families and accuse them of committing crimes and being perverts. In Australia they just smile and criticise each other’s policies. Boring. Just once I’d love to hear Scott Morrison be like “I reckon Albo has a micro penis…he just strikes me as that kinda guy…”
I saw Anthony Albanese at the pub once. Based on that alone I think he wins.
He was having a beer alone at the Courthouse Hotel in Newtown. That’s funny, isn’t it? He was just sitting up at the bar and now he could have the keys to the private jet!
Anyway! To celebrate the fact we’re on the verge of the election, I thought I’d conduct a quick history lesson and run through the ENTIRE list of Australian Prime Ministers!!!
That’s right! ALL OF THEM.
(A weird way to celebrate, I agree. I think I underestimated the research involved. I’ve been stuck on Wikipedia for the last 3 days.)
Please skip the ones you don’t care for. I’ve tried to make this somewhat interesting.
There is a huge chance this will be the most boring thing you ever read and I’m not 100% sure why I’m doing this. How exciting!
Okay. Let’s go:
Edmund Barton (1901–03)
Okay everyone knows Edmund Barton. Well, maybe not everyone, but he was in those ads like 15 years ago. He was the first guy! And I think he’s on some money? He led the Federation movement and was the start of this Sydney Uni illuminati style hold on Australian politics/comedy writing jobs at the ABC. Fair play. The first person to do anything is pretty impressive.
Alfred Deakin (1903–04)
I don’t know much about Deakin except there’s a university named after him in Melbourne. That's the thing about politics - if you do well people name things after you.
John Christian Watson (1904)
He was the first leader of the Labor party to be prime minister. So I guess he’s a working class hero. Makes sense for a guy called Chris.
George Houston Reid (1904–05)
After Watson lasted like 4 months and lost a no confidence motion, Reid took office as the leader of the ‘Free Trade Party’ which sounds like one of those parties in the Senate you ignore on the ballot paper then 3 weeks after the election you find out they hold the balance of power.
Alfred Deakin (1905–08)
He came back! Unreal stuff. Deakin was in The Protectionist Party (which Barton was as well) which no longer exists. The Protectionists sound like a bad punk band you’d get roped into seeing at the pub.
Andrew Fisher (1908–09)
Okay Fisher was born in Scotland and died in London then had this brief period where he lived in Queensland and decided to run the country. What the hell?! You should have to die in the country you were the leader of. Rack off Fisher.
Alfred Deakin (1909–10)
AGAIN! He came back! This is John Farnham level stuff.
Andrew Fisher (1910–13)
Fisher storms back for a full term! Fisher and Deakin make Rudd/Gillard/Abbott/Turnbull look like a preschool game of musical chairs. Fisher won with a huge majority and did A LOT in the 3 years he held office. Including founding Canberra. Imagine if Morrison had whipped up a new city for us in the last 3 years??
Joseph Cook (1913–14)
This guy was boring. He was also a member of the Liberal Party, but not the current day Liberal Party. One that existed earlier. Still not Liberal to the actual meaning of the word ‘liberal’. What is wrong with Australians and using that word correctly?
Andrew Fisher (1914–15)
Fisher back again! Quick fact: he was a big fan of the White Australia Policy BUT also made a speech about the lack of female representation in parliament. In 1908 he made this speech at the Labor Party National Conference:
“I trust that not another Federal election will take place without there being a woman endorsed as a Labor candidate for the Senate.”
That’s crazy ahead of the times for 1908!
Still a bit racist tho.
William Morris Hughes (1915–23)
Okay Hughes was interesting because he led us for 8 years and through the first world war AND changed parties 3 times during his reign as PM AND got expelled from the Labor Party. He got expelled! I don’t even think Mark Latham got expelled from the Labor Party. They’ll have anyone.
Stanley Melbourne Bruce (1923–29)
The first real Nationals leader to govern. Another PM to finish their life in London. Australians hate Australia! Bruce also was the first Australian to sit in the House Of Lords in London. I don’t know what that means, but he sounds richer than I am.
James Henry Scullin (1929–32)
Scullin was a Labor party man. I don’t know much about him except as soon as he took office the Great Depression started. Did he cause it? Again…I have no idea. I’m going to say yes.
Joseph Aloysius Lyons (1932–39)
Lyons was the Premier of Tasmania who became PM so he’s kind of like the Ricky Pointing of Aus politics. Here's the key takeaway from Lyons though: HE DIED ON THE JOB! That makes him the first PM to die whilst in charge! In America that’s a normal thing to happen (it’s something like 12% of all US Presidents get shot), but for Australia, this was unprecedented.
Earle Page (1939)
Earle Page is king in my book. He served for just 19 days after Lyons had a heart attack and died. 19 days would be the perfect amount of time to be PM. Few trips in the private jet, a few late night dinners on the company card, then bang, back to normal life three weeks later.
Robert Gordon Menzies (1949–66)
Everyone knows Menzies. He’s like Don Bradman of Australian politics. His first run at office was as the leader of the United Australia Party - which Clive Palmer stole the name of. No annoying texts from Craig Kelly in 1932 though.
Arthur William Fadden (1941)
Fadden didn’t last long. He was leader of the Country Party and deputy to Menzies UAP government. He’s from Ignham in far North-Queensland, which is also the hometown of Billy Slater. What a birthplace for Australian stars.
John Curtin (1941–45)
I like Curtin. Mainly because there’s a pub named after him in Melbourne opposite Trades Hall which used to have a $4 pint happy hour on Tuesday. Curtin was a proper leader. Most people consider him to be our best PM. Japan attacked Pearl Harbour about a month into him being PM then started attacking northern parts of Australia. He won his second term with ¾ majority. That’s Hamish Blake levels of public approval! He died in office (king shit) which makes him a hero in my eyes.
Francis Michael Forde (1945)
In the way Shane Watson captained Australia for one Test match but still counts as one Australia’s 46 Test captains, Francis Forde counts as a Prime Minister. Curtin dies, Forde is deputy and gets to be PM from the 6th of July to the 13th of July. 7 days total. Can’t do much in 7 days except fill out the forms for that sweet Prime Minister pension that’s coming your way.
Joseph Benedict Chifley (1945–49)
So Chifley wins the party vote and Labor win easily at the 1946 election and Chifley has a very successful term implementing most of the stuff Curtin wanted to do before he died. I love Chifley. He’s a Bathurst fella and I love the idea of that a little Country bumpkin (basically anyone that didn’t go to Sydney or Melbourne Universities) can be Prime Minister.
Robert Gordon Menzies (1949–66)
Fuck. This. Guy. Boriiiiiiiing. (he did start the current day Liberal party but geeeez.)
Harold Holt (1966–67)
Everyone jokes about him disappearing! I think it’s mean! People smoke bomb at the pub and the next day everyone’s like “oh they did Harold Holt ha ha ha!” A MAN DIED CAN WE HAVE SOME RESPECT PLEASE!
Also HH dying in office is the last of the great tradition of Australian Prime Ministers dying in the top job. Harold Holt was the last one. We’re due for another! I can already imagine Dave Hughes doing stand up about it.
“The Priiiiiime Miiiinister is Deaaaaaad. I was doing raaaaadiooo and they said ‘Huuuuuughesy the Priiiiiime Miiiiinster is deeeeeaad!!’ and I was like ‘well i didn’t fucking do it!!!!!’ - *round of applause*”
(My impression of Hughesy’s stand up if we tragically lost a PM)
John McEwen (1967–68)
So McEwen forms government with the Country Party. At this point in history, it must be so annoying to be a Labor voter in Australia. Menzies was in for almost 20 years, as soon as he leaves, they get a new Liberal guy and he fucking DROWNS at the beach. Everyone would have been like “woah a message from God” then the new guy comes in and turns out to be even MORE conservative - a 1960s farmer from the bush.
John Grey Gorton (1968–71)
Gorton was a former military fighter pilot which is kind of cool. Apparently he crashed his plane and almost died in Indonesia, then got back on a Navy ship and it GOT TORPEDOED BY A JAPANESE SUBMARINE. That’s a much more interesting CV than someone who did student politics at uni.
William McMahon (1971–72)
McMahon was old when he took office - 63. By Joe Biden standards he’s practically a baby but in Australia that’s OLD. A lot of historians regard him as one of the worst Prime Ministers we’ve ever had. He didn’t last long.
Gough Whitlam (1972–75)
Labor hadn’t been in government since 1949 and Whitlam campaigned with the message of ‘It’s Time’ (which Rudd ended up copying to get rid of Howard.) I like that. It’s the backyard cricket version of “I haven’t had a go at batting yet - surely it’s my turn!!”
Also every person you see wearing a red shirt on election day would still have a hard-on for Whitlam. My Dad regularly tells me he’s the greatest man to ever live. He was sacked in the most dramatic fashion, probably the most famous moment in Australia’s history. It would be weird having the worst moment of your life etched into Australian folklore. I got fired from Just Jeans when I was 18 and if everyone still spoke about that I think I’d have a panic attack every morning.
Malcolm Fraser (1975–83)
Malcolm Fraser turned on the Liberal party in his old age which I always enjoyed. I love a disgruntled ex employee teeing off on the current workplace. He was a popular PM, but the left will always hate him for blocking the supply and getting big Gough kicked out of the top job.
Robert Hawke (1983–91)
Okay we’re getting to the business end of things now! Bob Hawke is still loved by the Australian public. It’s crazy how far you can go if you like drinking and are a fun hang. He also loved speedos. The amount of photos of this guy at the beach in the tiniest swimmers is crazy. If he was at his peak today he’d be an influencer or have an OnlyFans account.
Paul Keating (1991–96)
I LOVE Keating. I have a book of his old speeches that I’ve read 3 times. He was a good Sydney working class boy that was smarter than most and a great public speaker. Conservatives also liked him because he didn’t love throwing money around and he and Hawke floated the dollar and privatised a shitload of stuff. Also he was a king in question time and would say really mean things to other politicians. A lot to like here.
John Howard (1996–2007)
Growing up this guy dominated my childhood. So much so that I thought it was just normal for the Prime Minister to wear an Australian tracksuit on their morning walk. I just thought it was part of the job description. It wasn’t until years later that it dawned on me how truly weird that was. Anyway, Australia’s second longest Prime Minister, took us to Iraq and Afghanistan. Also remember when that guy threw a shoe at him?
Kevin Rudd (2007–10)
Kevin Rudd basically won office because everyone got sick of Howard and Rove Live was the biggest show on TV and he would go on there from time to time. That’s actually true. Kevin was crazy popular. When he got knifed he had an approval rating of above 70% which is almost unheard of in Australian politics.
Julia Gillard (2010–13)
I always feel sorry for Jules. She could have been great but cut so many deals with scary Labor party factions that I think she struggled to get a lot of things done. Also Australia were super dirty on her for sticking the knife into Kev so it was always going to be an uphill battle for her.
Kevin Rudd (2013)
Back again! I remember Kevin wasn’t even in the country when he announced he was contesting the leadership again. He was so vindictive but also, all politicians are psychopaths. I still kind of like him deep down. Also the video of him swearing because he’s struggling with a speech in Mandarin is all time.
Tony Abbott (2013–15)
I have no proof because I wasn’t alive to see the majority of Prime Ministers in action, but I reckon Tony was the dumbest. Like you could see the brain going into overdrive every time someone asked him a question. My favourite Tony moment was when he was ironing and started giving the ‘housewives of Australia’ some tips. In some ways we were lucky to have him.
Malcolm Turnbull (2015–18)
This guy was rich!! I think it’s weird for mega rich people to want to get into politics. Surely it’s cooler to be on the outside, controlling them with money? Turnbull was very likeable, at least to me anyway. I always enjoyed how conservatives and members of his own party would tease him saying he was a ‘dirty lefty’. Also he always looked good in a suit. Maybe the hottest PM since Bob Hawke?
Scott Morrison (2018–2022)
This guy is a dork. It will be interesting to see how history will judge him compared to some of these other PMs. Everything in the world just exploded when he won the last election: the country started burning, COVID hit, plus being on the brink of another world war. He must feel a little hard done by. Could have had a few easy years in Canberra, instead his inbox would have constantly been going crazy.
Sam Taunton (2022-forever)
I am planning a military coup and will turn this country into a dictatorship and everyone will be forced to watch me do stand up and bring me treats.
THE END
Okay I can’t believe I did that. I have too much time on my hands. If you’ve made it this far I’m so sorry for what was basically a year 6 Australian history lesson.
I guess if there’s any takeaways from all of this, is that Morrison probably loses on Saturday night. It’s very much ‘one side has a go, then the other side has a go’ vibe with Australian elections.
ANYWAY. I love you all. I am so sorry (did I mention that?) If you come and see me do stand up and I swear there will be no political chat!
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